Some Things I've Learnt
SEX Is MEDIOCRE
Sex is overrated unless you are screwing someone you really like. Most of the guys I've 'hooked up with' I've found very attractive, even when they've delivered lines like 'you need to find someone to love you' or 'Anna, I'm very complex' or maybe 'I'm too tortured for you'. Sadly, they never fully delivered.
I was exposed to erectile disfunction (peak) and a sick joke kind of attempt to rein-act a scene in 50 Shades of Grey whereby I was casually choked half to death. The biggest let down was when a guy only lasted for two songs out of Arctic Monkey's critically acclaimed 'AM' album. Cum on man.
Unless you've found ur Prince Charming, Romeo, or Spencer Matthews- do it yourself (you know what I mean).
DON'T PICK UP DRUGS...IF YOU DON'T DO THEM
A couple years ago I developed a huge crush on this guy. Honestly I don't know why now but back then I assume I dug his long hair and feminine features. Any way, it surfaced after I started to pursue him relentlessly, that he was a drug dealer. BaD bOi status and all that am I rite?!
For the next few months, I'd pick up enough hash to get a baby mouse stoned just to 'meet up'. Caught up in this whirl wind of hedonism and HERBS!!!!! I think I considered these 'pick ups', dates. Today I'm still not sure whether this all was cute or very, very sad. Perhaps both.
One time I lost the hash (it fell off my key chain) and the other time I gave it to my friend, desperate to get it away from me. Once I met him where he worked and was so nervous that I got a heat rash on my neck and watched him make coffee.
It didn't end well. Use your brains kids.
BEING A PLUMP KID IS A BONUS
I was a chubby kid, a butter ball, a dumpling,whatever you want to imagine. The irony being I thought I was shit hot, wearing my thick skateboarding shoes to school that looked like limited edition MBTS and was known by my peers as 'the snack time trader'. This role included me coaxing people to swap there kit kats in for my apple or 'health bar'. My mom seemed surprised that her efforts to adopt health into my lifestyle weren't paying off.
As I got older and more aware of how my Abercrombie and Fitch clung differently to me than the other girls, the self belief plummeted. I thought dressing like a slut would make me look better, but turns out guys prefer skinny sluts to bigger ones! Even at Capital VIP!!! Even at Let's Go Crazy!! Crazy with ANGER more like lol !!!!!!
However, in retrospect, you'll find that most people who were attractive at 14 are nothing now. Sorry, not sorry.
S/O to all those Tweens who prefer food to people, do ur thang. Xx
TRENDS AREN'T A GOOD THING
Ok, let's take #freethenipple as an example.
Feminism = females having a right, to have a vagina and to be treated equally to men.
So please tell me why these anorexic models are posting pictures of themselves topless with alien emojis on with a caption '#freethenipple #feminism'. Maybe I'm being ignorant but to me all I'm seeing is a nipple as a stance not for women's rights but one to be edgy and showcase a taunt bod. I'd love to see these girls actually be ballsy enough to walk outside topless .
Feminism along with SO many other things, like eating healthily, have turned into trends and excuses for people to be as obnoxious as possible on Instagram. Healthy eating has now equated to 'eat Acai, move to L.A/Australia, spend your savings on some juice and knit your crochet tops.
Maybe I should start posing pissing in urinals with an apple emoji covering my pubes. #freethepussy. Like seriously guys? Go sign a petition or something instead.
Remember, 88% of humans won't give a shit about anything you say. Instead of tolerating their narcissistic ways, politely swerve over to somewhere else. If you're reading this I'm probably talking about you!!
Also 'practice' safe sex and don't do drugs because they're so predictable.
And try not to fall for any of your friends because that's hard ! :)
Thanks, hope you learnt something guys.