25 November 2013

Ridin Da Wave(y)


Waved is a sik word. It means 'I'm so lean I can feel da waves crash against da shore?' Right? 

This whole weed culture thing really pisses me off. If you smoke, keep it at least mildly discrete.

 Instagrams filled with a dog patch filtered gram of 'lethal kush' with hashtags like #og #kush #dank #wavey #wave #tsunami #hellaxhilled' make me sick.

You're not Snoop Dog, you ain't Bob Marley, leave it alone. The whole thing becomes a culture. Most of these shits have friends I,e people they can get stoned and watch GTA with, they have probably taken a gap year to 'find demselves or help da poor kids'. In other words they will spend another year buying Huf socks living with their parents. Fair play to them, but just don't publicize it. 'Ja feel?' Lol. 

Gettin groovy baby

I'm not trying to say weed is bad it's just some people are so lame. Not 2 mention cliche. The girls are even worse. They rock up to these squat raves in neon leggings, a weird bra thing and will take pictures groping some old black guy or lying on the pavement. Wwwaveeey!!!!!!!!! 


 Once I went to this girls house who dressed like this when I was quite drunk (rebel) with a group of the type I've just described. I was expecting this house to be a dump, as she dressed like a tramp. My friend and I get there and it's some fucking gated mansion, right.... She put on some shit dnb and started dancing in her boob tube making some same lame ass gunshot movement. We sit in the corner eating chicken because why nowt. Classic everyone is Rollin up da weed and I'm wishing I never came. All of a sudden this coked out looking chick tries to make small talk with us. 


 'Omg like I went to this festival in the summer, was so live man,'


 'Cool, what was the lineup'
She looked at me with disgust.

 
'There wasn't a lineup. There were just loads of organic people making clay pots and stuff.'

 Fucking hell. What had I walked into? We went to the toilet so I could let out my concealed laughter. This chick comes into the toilet (lezza lol) and said 'has it hit you guys yet", ,assuming we'd bloody dropped acid or something.

I knew at this point it was time to leave to exit this t0tally fuked up parti.

 Stay in school y'all,
Annz

14 November 2013

R8 da D8

A while ago I went on a date with this guy who went to Goldsmiths. I thought the whole 'older guy' vibe was exciting but I was only to find out that older guys generally are boring. Sorry y'all.

So my friend and I met this dude and his friend at a pub in Hammersmith. He bought us a drink but I thought it might be spiked so I didn't drink it. Thinking about it now I must've looked like a Cub Scout who baits out underage people at bars. Lol. So I think this was my first date (kinda a big deal), and I was really nervous. As girls do I was all 'what do we talk about, da football?' 'If u were a guy wud u fink I was hot???!'

To start the ball rolling I asked the casual question of 'so..what are your passions?' He looked confused and said 'That's a weird question. I don't know..what are yours?'. Sounding cool n nonchalant I said 'BOWLiNG!!!!!'. I don't know what was running through my head, but at the time it sounded cool. I still now have to remind myself that I am not in The Big Lebowski, even if I was practically a loyalty customer at Park Royal's Super Bowl. Anyway, the guy seem intrigued and questioned me about this fiery 'passion'. I was so nervous. I looked to my friend opposite for a life line but she was deep in convo with this guy's friend about scuba diving with sharks. Interesting. I knew I had to fess up and tell this guy it was a jk! Hehehe.

 'Yeah I'm a professional bowler here. My grandma in America has a world renowned team so when I visit her she gets papped. Sometimes she calls them on herself for banter.' So maybe I didn't tell him it was a joke but my mind was telling me 'y0lo'. This idiot seemed to actually be buying this bullshit story, so asked me to show my technique with an ice cube. I bowled the ice cube smugly and it landed on his friend's face. I said I was just being modest because envy is inevitable around celebrities like me (shout out 2 my boi Bieber).

He seemed high as he was looking around the room really weirdly. Maybe he was trying to look like a 'day dreama'. Looking back now he was probably wanting to shoot himself. It was getting super late, almost 11 pm (fukkkk) when my friend calledme asking where I am. I crawl out of the pub, feeling lyk Cinderella! Apart from I wasn't wearing a glass slippa lol!! Next thing I knew he was in his car outside.

'Like A G6' was blaring out of the car. I started to duck down to not be seen as he started mouthing 'poppIn bottlez in the ice in the ice.' Jesus Christ. Really? I asked for some 'grime' so we would look sik driving past Acton. 'Obviously, hopefully you've heard of this grime artist.'
I ask to TurN da muSic up, expecting it to be some bada$$ shit (trill trill swag lol).

I heard the song play and start to cry. 'You knw what it is, Black n Yellow, Black N Yellow.' I felt like I was driving back from Capital VIP or a I'm -w@ved -off-Fanta year 7 school disco. I wasn't, though. This was just the beginning of the cool events that were about to unfold in my fl0ur3scent @dolesc3nt!!! Har har.

Annz dawgy

10 November 2013

Name your poyson

Social etiquette is a funny thing nowadays. 'Get that for me' , 'hold this' are things I am commanded to do by people as if I'm a fuggin ass hole servant. Of course I don't want to sound like a parent 'Whuts tha magic werd don't think I herd it!??', begging for a simple 'please'. I kinda give a wounded look (classic), shrug by shoulders and sigh. Then I give them what they wanted.

Chivalry fits under this category. Let's get this clear : men buy women drinks. If you don't have money, get a job. Better yet, get out the pub. 'Dat rule is lame cos like men and women are equal'- this pointless argument can be thrown around as many times as it wants, but nothing will change.
      Once I was at a pub with a guy who looked like a mix between a dyke and a blue peter presenter. Sweet combo right? He had long eyelashes which made me think of a camel. I had to refrain from making a poor joke like 'do dem lashes protect u from the sand dunes?' Or 'da black eyed peas song 'my humps' must've been written bout u!!!' Moving on, we went into the pub and I clearly expected a drink. Instead he says 'you don't expect me to buy you a drink do you?' At that point I got the lemon I packed in my rucksack and ordered myself a tequila shot. It was 4:30pm.

On holiday when I was in France with my palz we were at this club full of the most eligible bachelors around, I.e they were mentally ill, toothless or underage. $$$
We're sitting outside, trying to get the sound of Pitbull out our heads for two minutes when a complete hunk of meat comes along with his 'crew'. Were they a modern T-bird crew from Grease? 100% percent. The leader had no front teeth and was in Ed hardy, the joker to his left was holding a bottle of Evian with what looked like piss in it, and the other one was bald with sweat patches. It was exactly how I pictured love at first sight to look like. He opened his mouth and said to me 'you look..how you say..
...ugly.'

I went inside and suddenly PitBull didn't seem so bad any more.

Remember ur manners y'all,
Annz

29 October 2013

ju$t dance


Sup,

This week has been pretty weird. I ate brunch two days In a row which is cool. Going to brunch makes me feel wurth it; like maybe I don't live in south, maybe I drive a Porsche in Knightsbridge. Ya know? Like getting that fresh OJ just hits you and you feel really sick. Lol.



m88 dis drop is live!!!!!!
A lot of people have been recently hating on my dance moves, and this makes me livid. I've got comments such as 'ur rigid' 'ur weird' or 'u must be trippin let's get you some water'. Sick. I don't really get how people can go out, listen to gr8 music and not get up. I've reached the point where I dance alone and i think I look good. The reality is most people think the dougie mixed with the robot doesn't look cool at all. But skrew the h8rs. My friend and I have made up a dance move where you run and leap in the air , like a ballet style thing. I recently met a he/she as in I couldn't establish what gender this person was. Man/woman claimed to be a professional dancer, starring in Katy Perry's teenage dream video. I swear they didn't even have dancers. I then said I was in 'Blurred Lines', 'da chick in the lingerie behind my boi Pharrell' therefore we needed a dance off. 'It' looked threatened, and I could see a look of poison in their eyes like 'dis bitch can't out dance me.' As soon I got up there and started, they laughed and said 'I thort u were being serious.' I got really upset and calmed down in the toilet. 

 The people who don't dance either really can't dance for shit or still care about what otherz think. So they stand there making awks small talk with Each other and probably snigger at me gettin low. Instead of living they are being spectators /commentators which sux. I feel bad for you. :(
i dnt c nuffink wrong... wid a lil bump n grind !!!cute
Next time you go out dance lyk nObOdY iS wAtChiN. 'Just d@nce'- lady Gaga

14 October 2013

2 flirt or not 2 flirt

Since I go on loads of dates now ( bby cries ) , I have had some time to reflect on my mannerisms.
Unfortunately, I have come to the startling revelation that I can't flirt. Maybe this is why some people think I'm a dyke. Sowwi that I don't twiddle my hair guyz!

A couple of years ago my friend tried to help me socialise with guys. She initiated a kind of role play, which I took a bit too seriously; counting myself into the 'scene', as if I was on Hollyoaks or something. Now looking at it, it seems slightly disturbing, but at the time this exercise seemed thrillin and *#^ new *^%^. She pretended to be a kind of lad, saying something like 'you're looking fit today' (keep in mind I had at this point in my life, side burns and hair like Peter Pan.) I kind of seized up and sad something like 'really?!?!?!'. My poor friend said she needed the toilet and never returned. Awks.
x...da look of luv..x
 Nowadays, my technique is just to be quite rude. I don't know why, but it just happens. For example 'u look interesting today', followed by a disgusted look on my face is a classic annzdog pick up line. In my mind it sounds like flanta (flirty banta), but when the guy either starts crying or ignoring me I clock I've been to harsh. A good ten minutes later I'll 'redeem' the situation with a 'only jking dude you look gorjus'.  I called a guy bro the other day and he seemed offended I called him that, so said 'bro'?. Again thinking I'd be 'playful', I replied 'o fuk, ur clearly not my bro because if we were related you'd be better looking.' He didn't reply. I assured myself he was probably jerking off at how much that line screamed 'cum get me'.

Most girls give those tips like 'subtly touch da boy I.e when he's telling a joke and it's funni.'. That's not my style, I mean it's just awkward.

The shit that really sickens me is the whole year 6 sext thing, where the boy is like 'tell me wht u wud do to me if u were here now ;)'. LOL. Sweeet.

In  a fucked up warped way I guess being nice means I'm not into it and being mean says I am. Yolo.

'I was born dis way'- Lady Gaga

Anna fuggin Dog xxxxxxx

27 September 2013

50 shades of beige

Hi!

I haven't written in here after my friends read my posts aloud to me and I found out how lame I sound. It was like hearing yourself recorded and you're like "do I really sound like this?".

So far I've been on a few dates with men (lol). I guess I had a phobia of d8z before, I mean the thought of sitting with some guy and asking generic questions lulls me into sleep. Especially going to eat. When I'm sitting down and I feel really under pressure and I speak to much and laugh at my own jokes. Also guys only talk about themselves so I'd rather watch a movie or talk to a dog.

I met a dude called Franco and lapped that up, ie made it out that I wad dating James Franco and was most probably on the home page of Perez Hilton (it gurl!!!!!!!!). The biting reality was that he was from Argentina and was in a folk band. Sounds kind of alt but it wasn't, due to the pick up line of "did u steal a book from Rough Trade"? (Wtf) and them weird texts saying 'Franco :) x' on them. We went on a romantic date to KFC, as I promised to show him all the hotspots in London.



 Other date was shit. I met up with some relevant (friends with indie bandz) dude and he took me and my friend to The Alibi in Dalston. When I go out I don't like to socialize , I only dance, so I was praying this flea pit had a mosh/twerk floor. We get there and he's no oil painting,but whatever, that's not the point.He then proceeded to make really uplifting 'jkz' such as 'whats the point of romance, were all going to die alone.' Cutie pie or wot??? We get to this place, which was a classic hipster basement bar, with awks music that you couldn't dance to or hear anyone speaking over. Plus it was so hot I felt like I was on menopause. Whatever, he bought us a drink and I started dancing in the middle of the 'floor' with my friend, as everyone kind of glared at us. I maybe got a bit carried away/thought I was Channing Tatum in Step Up and started walking out the room and re appearing, with some kind of offensive moon walk. The synthed out Weeknd music was making me want to slit my wrists so I kindly threw my iPad at the barman, who I think was in Bombay bicycle Club, to play One More Time by Daft Punk (classic). He was like 'why?' And I said 'yolo'. As if I'd called Him a cunt or something, he gave me some That's So Raven eye expression and handed me the iPad. Jesus Christ. The ass hole date I came with was sitting alone, and started talked to fucking Diana Vickers, claiming that this encounter was 'awkward'. I got angry and started  singing 'once once yeah-ah' really loudly. We then left without saying goodbye and bought a drink called 'MD' so I could say I've technically taken MD. Lol.

I've now spammed him with hate mail.


Basically, guy can't fux with dog loving dancerz. I rest my case.

Anna

11 June 2013

HOW TO PAR-t

HI. I don't think any of you have to been to a good party without me there. 4real. ;)

Last weekend I went to my dog's birthday party, here's what happened.

It was advertised as cake n cocktails, that cute shit. So I'm thinking maybe a casual Mojito or WKD (banter)....HOWEVER, we get there and there's some dude behind a bar. #cosmopolitan.

He starts of with 'How do YOU all know Hannah', as if he's some long lost friend of hers. Then after an awkward silence proceeds with 'I've been all over the world, you know, dis job, really has perks.'

Damn son, good on you. 'Where've you travelled?'

'All ova LDN: Waterloo, New Cross, Ealing.' To poor 'Pascha's' dismay, silence fell again. :( Pray4pascha



I assume our drinks were spiked because after one cocktail we were pissed. The Mojito left me pretty dry, so I told him I wanted a cocktail numba 2. He looked cockily and said  he KNEW which drink I wanted. I crossed the boundaries and sent him a 'telepathic picture' of the cocktail I wanted. Which was, by the way, a passhunfruit one.

Adrenaline is pumping, palms are sweating, aw8ing this godforsaken drink.

I turn with a grin and all hope is lost. Pascha was ded to me. He had given me a Mojito. ---


I got a bit carried away with my trap music and start skanking with a brownie in my mouth to Flosstradamus and Bauuer. We then got out the disco litez (shit got REAL). We roll played being centipedes to Skrillex's Centipede (hehehehehehe).

All of a sudden, Pascha appears, despite being told to leave like 3 hours before. I shot him a couple death stares, unable to let his Mojito go. He screamed to turn off Knife Party, as he had 'seen them before.' aka Used a knife and fork during dinner with some house music in the background. lols.
He plugs in his phone, getting up some song off youtube that was apparently 'his jam'.

It starts as some sort of hotel lobby music (fukkkkkkk), then at the drop some dude shouts 'OH YEAH.'  TUNE M8. tune. The ground kind of shakes and all we see is Pascha dropped low and jumping in the air. His head literally touched the ceiling. We all went back outside.

As the clok struck midnight (yow) we got dismissed by Hannah (LOl jk, by Pascha, who at  this point was 4 hours passed his stay).

THAT IS ALL.
ANNA XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

4 March 2013

20 January 2013

MYKKI BLANCO

There are no words. THIS ROX MY WERLD.

JANUARY

Sup. I haven't been on here in a while because I've been busy gettin dat $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and shit.

1.) The snow is overrated. Seriously, let's get over it. It's cute to look at from inside if you're in an idyllic cottage, but let's face it- we aren't. TBH it's just an excuse for those PDA couples to post pictures of them getting off on facebook with captions like 'me n my baby in the snow-- naywwhh cuuuuhte'.


2.) Straight hair is da one. I've started blow drying my hair, and I feel like less of a dyke.

3.) JONAS MEKAS. Yeah go to his exhibition at THE SERPENTINE. It reduced me to tears/shivers down my spine/that arty pretentious garbAGE. Just go. He does videos/photography that are awesome.

4.) GIRLS. Yeah to get my kicks I've been watching 'Girls' illegally online. It's about 4 20 somethings year old Girls (obv) lolol, who are finding their way through the brutal and asshole consumed werld of NEW YORK. If you're into watching overweight people having sex, weirdly attractive lanky guys and feminism- go watch it.

5.) IT'S MY BURTHDAY ON SATURDAY--- FINNA POP DEM BOTTLES. $$. But seriously contemplating deactivating my Facebook on that day so if I get like three wallposts it won't crush my <3>
STAY COOL,
ANNZ x